Are you feeling overwhelmed because you’ve started setting boundaries by saying “no,” only to find yourself loaded down with even more responsibilities? It can be scary to take a stand for your own needs and end up feeling more burdened than before. This sense of inequity isn’t just exhausting—it’s totally unfair. It’s unfair to you and the people in your life. Setting boundaries should enhance your well-being and peace of mind, not detract from them. It shouldn’t add more to your plate—it’s about creating space for what truly matters. It’s about feeling a sense of relief and freedom, knowing that you’re prioritizing your well-being and peace of mind. It’s about being able to experience peacefulness and show up as your best self because of your choices, not despite them.

Saying “no” is an empowering choice that prioritizes what’s genuinely important—your rest, self-care, and cherished moments with your spouse and family. This decision is crucial for fostering a balanced life, but as many discover, it can also mean that some tasks, like household chores or hosting gatherings, might need to take a backseat temporarily. The challenge lies in ensuring that your “no” actually frees up your time rather than just postponing tasks, which could lead to increased stress or a looming sense of burnout.

Simplifying Your Choices: Practical Steps to Say “No” Effectively

• Evaluate, Prioritize, and Delegate: For instance, there are straightforward scenarios where saying “no” is clear-cut. You might choose to skip a day at the park to handle essential errands, explaining to your family, “We can’t go to the park today because we need to hit the grocery store, but how about tomorrow?” Other times, it might mean letting the dishes sit overnight to catch up with a friend over coffee, going to bed early, and handling the cleanup tomorrow. Occasionally, it involves sharing responsibilities, like asking your spouse, “Honey, could you take care of the kitchen tonight? I’d love to unwind in the backyard with a book. It would really help me recharge for tomorrow.”
• Deeper Considerations: However, there’s a deeper aspect to consider: Why are you saying “yes” in the first place? Is it because you’re trying to meet an internal standard of being the perfect spouse or parent, or perhaps feeling external pressures? Striving to meet these perfectionist standards often comes from a place of wanting to please others, which the Bible describes as the ‘fear of man’ (Proverbs 29:25). When you aim to be the perfect mom or wife, you’re likely sacrificing your own needs to meet these expectations. Remember, you must care for yourself as diligently as you do for your children. As Dr. Morgan Cutlip advises, “You have to choose to care for yourself the same way you care for your children.” Embracing the role of a ‘good’ spouse or parent versus a ‘perfect’ spouse or parent can be truly liberating. You deserve to care for yourself as well as you do for others.
• Set Realistic Standards: It’s also important to discuss and share household responsibilities fairly. Sit down with your spouse and decide together which chores each can manage to ensure that most of the duties don’t overwhelm one person. Having a perfectly tidy house is wonderful, but it may not always be realistic, especially during demanding life seasons like the child-rearing years. These years are chaotic but wonderful! (I wish someone had shared that with us when we were in our chaotically wonderful season of life.) Reflect on what truly matters to you now. What are your current expectations and values? Would you rather spend 30 minutes having fun and connecting with your spouse, or would you prefer everything to be perfectly in order before heading to bed?

DeAnna’s Journey: Embracing Values Over Perfection

Consider DeAnna’s journey; she faced the same dilemma two decades ago. Today, she confidently chooses to prioritize her values over maintaining perfect order. However, this wasn’t always the case. DeAnna had to navigate through her own struggles before she could fully embrace her values. Here’s DeAnna, sharing her story in her own words:

“I’m a high-functioning individual, and I know all too well how easy it is to slip into over-functioning! Moving towards a space that feels fair can be extremely challenging for people like me. Sometimes, it feels like an internal battle between letting go of unrealistic expectations and worrying that we’re compromising our self-respect. I had to sincerely seek the Lord to understand my identity in Him and His expectations for me before I could find peace with what felt fair.

I’ve always wanted a spotless house, and I still do! However, I had to realize that having a spotless home is less valuable than my relationships with Rich and our children. I used to be so fixated on keeping everything in its place that I’d become frustrated and take it out on everyone when things weren’t perfect, making me unpleasant to be around. Once I dug deep to understand why order and cleanliness were so important to me, I realized that I was imposing other people’s perceived expectations on myself and letting them control my life! It’s almost humorous to think that I once believed people would see me as a failure as a wife or mother if they found dishes in the sink or dust on the baseboards. Yet, if I saw the same in their homes, I’d feel nothing but relief and an instant connection with a fellow mother in the trenches.

I encourage you to lean in and let the Holy Spirit reveal where you might have let external voices set unrealistic standards for you, pushing you into over-functioning.”

Conversation Starters

1. What are some areas where we can say “no” more often to improve our family life?
2. How can we better divide household tasks to prevent feeling overwhelmed?
3. In what ways can we support each other in taking time for self-care?
4. How do you feel about our current balance between cleanliness and enjoying our time together?
5. What does being a ‘good’ spouse or parent look like to you?

tl;dr

• Setting boundaries by saying “no” is essential for maintaining balance and well-being.
• “No” should free up your time, not just postpone tasks.
• Discuss and share household chores to prevent burdening one person.
• Prioritize relationships and well-being over maintaining a perfect home.
• Embrace being ‘good’ rather than striving for perfection to reduce stress.

Helpful Resource

Love Your Kids without Losing Yourself