Feeling unheard or invalidated by your partner can stir up a whirlwind of emotions. I can’t tell you how many times I have brought something up to my wife that was genuinely bothering me or important to me, only to have DeAnna deflect, defend, or dismiss what I was sharing with her. I would feel invalidated, unheard, and like she didn’t care. Some of you reading this will immediately identify with what I was feeling. You might even feel yourself getting sucked back into those emotions of frustration, irritability, and agitation. (Take a deep cleansing breath.) This issue still comes up for us occasionally, but we don’t get stuck here for long anymore. We’re learning to establish practices that help us foster understanding and maintain our connection, even when conversations get tough.

Schedule Regular Check-ins

In our journey, we discovered that the root of many of our disconnects was simply not spending enough meaningful time together. Without regular touch-points, it’s easy to drift into autopilot, growing distant without realizing it. We combat this by scheduling weekly “Touch Bases,” where we focus fully on each other, sharing our lives and challenges. This dedicated time reinforces that we are a team—my challenges are hers, and hers are mine, much like the biblical exhortation in Galatians 6:2 to “Share each other’s burdens.” Asking each other, “How can I serve you this week?” has become a cornerstone of our interactions, making us feel valued and heard.

Use “I Feel” or “I Think” Statements

The difference between a conversation that escalates and one that connects often comes down to word choice and tone. For example, accusing DeAnna of never taking out the trash puts her on the defensive. If I were to say to DeAnna, “You don’t ever take the trash out. You leave it up to me because you know I will do it, and that’s not right. You make me so angry I could scream.” Versus, “I didn’t see you take the trash out this week. I think you don’t take it out because you know I will, and I don’t think that’s fair. I feel angry when this happens. I would like us to develop something that works for both of us.” Do you see the difference between the two remarks? The first example is full of judgment statements; the second is me owning my thoughts and feelings and sharing them with DeAnna. This method, known as using “I Statements,” helps convey my thoughts and feelings without casting blame. Such statements promote openness and understanding rather than conflict—aligning with Ephesians 4:29, which urges us to speak in ways that are “good and helpful.”

Pause, Reflect, Request

When discussions start to go off track, pausing and expressing what you’re experiencing is essential. Telling DeAnna, “When you respond like that, I feel dismissed,” highlights my feelings without blaming her and opens the door for her to engage more empathetically. This approach fosters a supportive atmosphere where both of us can practice active listening—really hearing each other out, validating the other’s feelings, and responding thoughtfully, as recommended by James 1:19: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

To Sum It All Up

The next time you feel one-upped, invalidated, or don’t think your spouse understands you, these three actions can help you cultivate a more empathetic and attentive communication environment. Remember, the goal is mutual understanding. Building a foundation of mutual respect and attentive listening can transform your conversations into supportive, healing dialogues.

Conversation Starters

Explore these questions to enrich your conversations:

1. When was the last time you felt really heard by me, and what made that conversation different?
2. What’s one thing I could do this week to make you feel more supported?
3. How can we improve our daily communications to feel more connected?
4. Can you share a recent situation where you wished I had responded differently?
5. What are some signs that you might need a pause during our conversations?

tl;dr

• Regular “Weekly Touch Bases” help maintain a connection and ensure both partners feel heard.
• Using “I Statements” in discussions can prevent defensiveness and foster mutual understanding.
• It’s essential to express feelings and needs during conversations to avoid miscommunication and hurt.
• Choosing to pause and clarify during heated moments can lead to more empathetic interactions.
• Scripture can guide and improve communication, emphasizing empathy, listening, and support.

Helpful Resource

Cheat Sheet: Weekly Touch Base