June 25, 2024
“Hey!” DeAnna yelled from the laundry room as she came in from the garage. Her voice was agitated and slightly angry, and she was not in the mood for games. “Can you help me?” When I heard the garage door open, I started putting my shoes on to help bring the grocery bags inside. I was just about to stand up when I heard DeAnna yell for help. DeAnna burst into the house. Her face was flushed, and she said, “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I need help! Can you help me bring the groceries inside? That was all I needed to justify my aggressive reply, “I am! I was putting my shoes on to help you when I heard the garage open…” and just like that, we had the making of a gold old-fashioned argument.
The Impact of Tone, Complaints, and Judgments
Unskilled communication can harm any relationship. Learning how to communicate effectively with your spouse is an art. Here are three ways you can prevent an argument and disrupting the peace in your marriage:
I heard this a long time ago, and it has always stuck with me: “Tone means nothing.” Take a moment and allow that to sit with you and filter down into your body.
Obviously, tone affects how we hear and understand what is being spoken. However, it’s more about the meaning you assign to the tone than the tone itself. For instance, if you and a friend are at a baseball game and your team wins with a walk-off home run, you might yell and scream right in each other’s faces and not take any offense to the tone. But if your spouse yells at you for not doing something they wanted, that might have a different outcome. You might hear shame, belittling, or disrespect and react out of the meaning you give to the tone. We tell ourselves a story about what the tone means. When we do that, we react out of that story. What defines tone is the meaning you pour into it.
We often complain without realizing it. Complaining is a losing strategy we employ to get what we want without really owning what we want or taking responsibility. “Spaghetti again?” “I don’t like that hotel; their breakfast sucks.” “You always say you will, but then change your mind.” Do you hear the complaints? Maybe you have a few of your own echoing in your mind right now. Complaining and murmuring are attitudes of the heart.
In many cases, it’s a position of ungratefulness. The goal is to shift from complaint to request. “I love your spaghetti, but tonight, I’m in the mood for tacos. Can we have that instead?” “How about we try a different hotel this time? I can research and find a place with a great breakfast.” “I feel rejected and lonely when you say you will spend time with me but then change your mind. I would love for us to talk more about this and come up with some ways we can connect and spend time together.” Do you see the move from complaint to request?
Staying out of places of judgment and finger-pointing is vital if you want to create a marriage that feels safe and connected. Judgment statements often start with “You always,” “You never,” or “It’s because you make me so mad.” These kinds of statements are accusatory and immediately put your spouse on the defensive. Instead of “You” statements, use “I” statements and lean heavily into curiosity. Ask questions that will help you understand your spouse better and allow them to share what’s going on for them in their own words, not with the intention to trap them. “I feel lonely and dismissed when you spend four nights a week with your friends. Can we plan to spend more time together?” “Generally speaking, I take the trash out most of the time.” “I feel so angry when you leave your dirty dishes on the kitchen counter.” Can you see how these statements keep your communication out of a place of judgment and finger-pointing?
Thankfully, DeAnna and I didn’t allow our frustrations to get the best of us that day. I brought the groceries inside, and while we were putting them away, I was able to share with DeAnna how I was feeling–especially when she yelled at me and doubled down when she came inside the house. DeAnna was very quick to acknowledge how she could have done that better and shared her urgency because she needed to make a quick trip to the bathroom.
Remember, you and your spouse are on the same team, both wanting to connect and understand each other better. By becoming more aware of your tone, shifting complaints to requests, and avoiding judgmental statements, you can create a safe space for open, loving communication. Start practicing these skills today, and watch how they transform your interactions. It’s not going to be perfect every time, but with patience and practice, you’ll see progress. Embrace the journey of growing together, and let your conversations be a bridge to deeper intimacy and connection.
To help you and your spouse connect and communicate better, here are some conversation starters:
1. “How can we improve our communication when we’re feeling frustrated or stressed?”
2. “What are some ways we can better support each other in our daily routines?”
3. “How do you feel about the way we handle disagreements, and what can we do to resolve conflicts more peacefully?”
4. “Can we brainstorm some new activities or traditions to strengthen our bond?”
5. “What are your expectations for our quality time together, and how can we meet those needs?”
• Tone: Understand that the meaning you assign to tone affects your reaction. Focus on the message, not the tone.
• Complaints to Requests: Transform complaints into positive, actionable requests to foster better communication.
• Avoid Judgments: Use “I” statements and avoid accusatory language to keep communication open and non-defensive.
• Teamwork: Remember, you and your spouse are on the same team, working towards deeper intimacy and connection.
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