Building a Stronger Marriage Through Daily Encouragement
DeAnna was feeling overwhelmed with the workload at home. She had made plenty of attempts to ask me for help, and regretfully, her requests fell upon deaf ears—my deaf ears. I was the one person who should have been willing to jump in and help in any way that I could, but I didn’t. Looking back on those times, I feel ashamed at how I showed up (or rather, how I didn’t). My actions were selfish and the opposite of how Jesus demonstrated how a husband should love his spouse.
A Change in Perspective
Fast forward to today, and I have grown in this area. A few years ago, we had new floors put in our home. I know how much DeAnna hates sweeping and mopping—just as much as I hate washing dishes. So, I told my wife I would take care of the floors in the house. I made it my responsibility so she wouldn’t have to think, worry, or do the work of cleaning the floors. I purchased a floor cleaner, and I clean the floors every week. DeAnna doesn’t have to think about it.
I cleaned the floors for about six to eight months before DeAnna acknowledged my contribution. From talking with her, I know now she was waiting to see if my behavior change was real. There’s a big difference between modified behavior and changed behavior. Modified behavior is when we do something until we get what we want, then revert to our old ways. An example of this is a husband who promises to complete household repairs in exchange for ordering a pay-per-view event but fails to follow through once he gets what he wants.
Demonstrating True Change
DeAnna wanted to see actual change in me that was consistent and trustworthy. One Saturday morning—the day I usually clean the floors—DeAnna approached me and said, “I want you to know how much I appreciate you taking over the floors in the house and cleaning them consistently. I appreciate that even when I tried to help, you wouldn’t allow me to. What I love is that I don’t even have to think about it; I know I will have fresh, clean floors every week, which makes me very happy. Thank you for your dedication in this area.”
DeAnna’s comments that day were incredibly encouraging. I felt seen and appreciated. But there was another layer to my feelings, a personal layer. At that moment, I felt like I had matured and grown as a man. I was pleased with how I showed up. This was the man I liked and wanted to be. I could respect this man, and earning my own respect is something I always delight in. To be transparent, I had started feeling this way a couple of months before DeAnna shared her thoughts, but those feelings came flooding back that day.
Encouragement and Appreciation
God’s Word tells us to encourage those we do life with (see Hebrews 10:24-25). In Proverbs 3:27, we are instructed, “Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help them.” This includes compliments, acts of appreciation, and similar gestures. It can be hard to compliment someone when they are not consistent yet and there has been minimal effort, but that’s a great time to encourage them. Call out their effort. “I want you to know I’ve been watching you, and I’m thankful for your willingness and attempts to clean up after the dogs.” “I see the effort you’ve been making, and that means a lot to me.” Moving toward our spouse and encouraging them, even when things may not be how we would like, can be very motivating for them.
Biblical Guidance for Loving and Encouraging Your Spouse
“Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing. For the Scriptures say, ‘If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil.’” 1 Peter 3:8-12.
Conversation Starters
- What are some areas in our marriage where we can encourage each other more consistently?
- How can we better show appreciation for the small acts of service we do for one another?
- What changes have we noticed in each other over the years, and how have they impacted our relationship?
- How can we support each other in making lasting, positive changes in our behavior?
- What are some practical ways we can live out the biblical principles of encouragement and appreciation in our daily lives?
tl;dr
- DeAnna was overwhelmed with housework, and I initially failed to help her.
- I committed to consistently cleaning the floors to relieve her burden.
- True change is consistent and trustworthy, unlike modified behavior that reverts once desires are met.
- DeAnna’s acknowledgment of my efforts was deeply encouraging.
- Biblical principles encourage us to support and appreciate each other in our daily lives.
- Encouragement can significantly motivate and strengthen your marriage, even for small efforts.
